Very few people know that I really started taking photos because I lost my ability to draw. You know how Tootles lost his marbles in Peter Pan? Well, that was me.
One of the few stories my mother ever told of me was that I learned to draw before I could even walk. It was appropriate at the time because I was actually pretty good at it. While I really wanted to take Graphic Design as a way to channel those skills my mother had other ideas and decided that speaking French and German would be much more useful to me. Instead, I carried on with “art class” in high school and was even guaranteed that I could get a grant to university if only I’d carry on at A-Level*. The problem was that at the time I was convinced I wanted to do something that challenged me more. I was always bored and non-interested in the things that came naturally to me. Not to mention a nightmare of an art teacher who was always chastising me for not drawing from reality or still-lifes. Really.
*A-Levels are an optional educational choice at age 16 in the UK. They’re a bit different these days but back then you chose 3 subjects and they were intense 2 year courses. Incidentally I chose English Literature, Sociology, Communication Studies and half German and Music Technology.
The older I grow the more I realise that when I was younger I was inundated with people telling me where my true potential lay, but in my eternal effort and struggle to be independent I ignored them completely. The head of the art department in my school would slyly come into class and tell me to ignore the teacher that insisted on scribbling all over my work and telling me how worthless I was. I have no idea why they didn’t just fire said teacher since she was so demoralising to everyone who wasn’t recreating realistic paintings of scenery. I won numerous awards for my “demented” and “deranged” portraits and paintings of creatures that probably don’t exist, but I just shrugged it off because it was too easy.
And so I ignored the flashing lights telling me to take that road and threw myself headlong into literature, languages and social sciences. By the time I hit 20 I’d pretty much stopped drawing with any regularity (doodles while bored at work didn’t really count since they were such an uninspired reflection of my surroundings). Well, I didn’t stay that course for very long either, but you’re not here for a history if my inability to focus on one field of interest.
There are a lot of things in my past that I talk about and people assume I have regrets, but I really don’t. I just don’t have the time and energy for regret. I do, however, sometimes think about the opportunities that passed by, or were taken from me for one reason or another. For example, I was never able to go to university and if I had I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. For a long time I was very disappointed that I’d been unable to go but you see that it might not have been the best thing for me 10 years ago when I had no idea where my true potential lay.
As my world plays out in front of me I realise that nothing is lost to me forever. If I want to take back a super power I just have to find the key, shove away the years of distractions and bad memories, and unlock the vault.
By the way, this is by no means a fantastic illustration, but it does take a while to polish off the rust that accumulates.
4 Comments
Wow, does this hit home. I was the “draw kid” as a child myself and was promised a spot at a local art school as a youth but found that I could only go if I could be driven there. My parents both worked and that went out the window. Then when I graduated high school found that the art instituted of Ft. Lauderdale I had my heart set on going to since middle school was out of my price range and couldn’t afford to live there even with financial aid. For a while I became a sign painter but the lack of creativity pushed me away from art. Art at this point in my life was like a love that had done me wrong for the last time. At 18 I started playing guitar and found that I was a natural at playing and more important writing. I threw art aside and after playing in bands for a decade was on my way. Just finish the CD. AND THEN… Vocal chord problems would keep me from finishing a CD that had national support. FUCK!… really. As an MC, and singer, my lifestyle at stake that I’d spent 10 years establishing, what to do? So I fell back on art. This time with some success. A tattoo shop liked my art and decide to apprentice me. It has gone well as I’ve been tattooing over a year now and took to it fast. However, where this hits home is that in my youth I drew faster and more precise than now. It’s true, the rust is there but even a rusted car can be repaired, so can we. My life has come full circle and am where I would have been happy at when I was 18. Change is sometimes a catalyst for better things.
regrets are for people who aren’t happy with themselves or where they are at that particular moment, so you not having them makes perfect sense
That self portrait would make a great album cover
YVCnqf I’m not easily impressed. . . but that’s impressing me! :)